


Little Strange Dance

by yarnandtea



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Big Bang, M/M, ME3, Venko
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-24
Updated: 2013-11-24
Packaged: 2018-01-02 12:09:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1056609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yarnandtea/pseuds/yarnandtea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever since Kaidan rejoined Shepard's crew, he and James have been dancing around each other. It's just a matter of time before they give in to what they're both feeling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Music Starts

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 2013 Fall ME Big Bang. Spoilers for Mass Effect 3 and the ME3 Citadel DLC.
> 
> Super huge thanks to Angmarluna for the awesome art that goes with this story! Also, many thanks to my lovely beta ladyamesindy. Any remaining weirdness is entirely my stubbornness or oversight! 
> 
> One last note of thanks to eleneripenneth for her James Vega inspired tea (which pretty much fueled most of my writing sessions for this story), and also to Azzy and Bioticbooty for putting this whole affair together and cheering us on through the process.

([art by Angmarluna](http://mytendermadness.tumblr.com/post/67947053797/so-here-is-my-second-artwork-for-this-falls-mass))

~~

At first, Kaidan thought the bear of a lieutenant watched him closely because he didn't trust him. He clearly had a bit of hero worship going on with Shepard. Had apparently even taken on the role of her personal protector (though Kaidan had it on good authority she'd wiped the floor with the kid on more than one occasion just to prove she didn't need any such thing--he was determined, Kaidan had to give him that).

Then, he had felt James' burning gaze while they were changing after a mission, and again after another. That was when Kaidan started to realize there might be another reason behind James’ close attention.

So he started doing some watching of his own.

Didn't take him very long to realize he liked what he saw.

 

~~

The major was trying to drive him crazy.

It was the only possible explanation for the sudden shift in his behavior.

At first, he'd been wary, polite. Almost too polite, really, while he tried to fit in with the rest of the crew. Then there had been the weird dance the major had been doing with the commander ever since their showdown on the Citadel. After Mars, James had thought maybe he and Lola had been an item before, given the way they had argued there and how badly she had taken it when he’d been hurt. But after seeing Lola and Liara together, he had mentioned his confusion to Garrus. The turian set him straight about Lola and the major; like brother and sister, he’d said. Then, everyone had thought she’d been dead (well, she _had_ been), including the major.

Garrus explained about what had happened on Horizon, and James had understood. The major was a boy scout, one of those guys who liked to play by the rules. While he might have never stopped caring for Lola, never stopped being her friend, he’d had some serious issues with the way she’d been going about things for the last few years. But siblings fought and then they got over it. Might be a little awkward during the process, but it was worth it in the end. James knew how it went. He’d had friends like that. Maybe hadn’t fought with them about anything quite as big as what the major and Lola were dealing with, but he thought they were on the right track to working it out. Whatever awkwardness was left between them, it sure as hell didn’t hurt how well they worked together in the field.

James thought he’d had the major all figured out. Model soldier, by the book, but still a loyal friend, willing to trust his gut. Easy to look at, too. James kept it to looking, though. He could flirt with Lola and Esteban until the cows came home and he knew they’d just laugh and shrug it off. But the major still seemed a little out of his element and James suspected that unprovoked flirting would be more likely to make him uncomfortable than to put him at his ease. Not to mention, he was worried the major might just turn around and point out their difference in rank the second he said something the other man might consider inappropriate. That by the book thing. James had long ago learned to know his audience. He thought he’d gotten a good read on the major.

Apparently he’d been wrong about that.

When he’d realized that the major had caught him staring after the last mission, James had ducked out quickly and tried to brace himself for the inevitable dressing down to come. Only it never happened. Instead, the major started making extra trips to the shuttle bay. He’d spend just a hair more time than strictly necessary modding his weapon or go over specs for the Kodiak with Esteban when James knew very well that Esteban had already shared that information with the rest of the ground crew. James would sneak sidelong glances at the major from his workbench, and though he could swear he felt the major’s gaze, he never caught the other man looking.

Whenever James sparred with Lola now, the major was there, watching with an unreadable expression on his face. Then there was the touching. All perfectly innocent, of course. A hand here to help him into the shuttle, a clap on the shoulder after a mission. Always sat next to him the mess, a little closer than he needed to, but not too close to actually be inappropriate.

James didn’t know what to make of it. Was the major just easing into his place on the crew? Just a friendly guy? James didn’t think that was it—he hadn’t noticed him doing the same thing with other people. Whatever this attention meant, it was focused solely on him. When they spoke, the major was always professional, not quite formal, but not too friendly. James found himself watching the major in earnest, trying to glean clues about his behavior. Was this his way of flirting? Did he just like looking too?

Wanting to test a theory, James started finding every opportunity he could to take his shirt off while he was working in the shuttle bay. The major started showing up twice as often. James manufactured his own excuses to touch the major, who then retaliated by sitting even closer to him in the mess and on the shuttle. It was a strange little dance they had going on (James was starting to think maybe that was just the major’s thing). But the longer it went on, the more James enjoyed it. How long could they keep it up? The purely professional conversations (although, to be honest, those were venturing into more friendly territory than professional, but still innocent) with the body language saying something else entirely? Did the major even want to take it any further? James was starting to realize _he_ did, but he still couldn't get a read on what the major actually wanted.

James sighed and shook his head as he pummeled the punching bag he’d set up in the shuttle bay, running over all of the questions in his mind for what felt like the millionth time. He couldn’t deny that he was having fun, but it bugged him that he still couldn’t get a clear read on the major. He considered talking the matter over with Esteban, he and the major seemed to get on fairly well, but that felt like cheating somehow. He huffed in frustration and scowled at his punching bag. What he wouldn’t give for a clear sign as to whether this was going somewhere or if it was just flirting without intent. He knew what he was _hoping_ for. But if he was wrong and made a move anyway…he didn’t want to think about how badly that could end.

“You stare at that thing any harder and it’s gonna spontaneously combust.”

James jumped about a foot in the air and spun around to find the major leaning against a stack of crates. Shit. Even on the ship, he shouldn’t be letting himself get so distracted someone could sneak up on him. The major just smiled, amused. James leaned against the hull, casually trying to mirror the major’s pose. He looked down at his hands and began unwrapping the tape on them, trying to pretend he didn’t notice the way the major’s eyes were raking across his bare torso.

“Nah, man,” James said. “You’re the one who blows shit up with his mind. I gotta use grenades.”

“True,” the major agreed, a hint of laughter in his voice. “But you’re still pretty good at making things go boom.”

James risked meeting the major’s eyes, and his breath caught in his throat. _Oh._ The major had let his polite mask drop, and the look he was giving James was so much more than he’d ever let James see before. It wasn’t just playful teasing. This was pure want. Well. He’d wanted a clear sign. He offered the other man a cocky smile.

“Something I can do for you, Major?”

“I can think of a few things, Vega.” His voice had dropped a register. He pushed away from the crates and stepped closer to James, leaning in so that he could whisper directly in James’ ear. “If you’re really asking.” His fingers brushed lightly down James’ arm and James gulped. The major sighed and took a step back, a slightly wistful smile on his face, the professional demeanor back in place. “But it will have to wait, I’m afraid.”

“Oh?” James asked. The word came out in a croak and he cleared his throat. “Why’s that?”

“We’ll be reaching Ontarom in about an hour. Shepard wants you ready to go and in the war room for the mission briefing in thirty.”

“Sure,” James said, straightening up and reaching for his shirt. All business once again, he thought he could just squeeze in a shower and double check his weapons before he needed to be at the briefing. He was halfway across the shuttle bay before he realized the major wasn’t at his side. He stopped and turned around, replaying what the major had said. “Wait. Just me?”

Shepard had played around with the ground parties after first leaving Earth, and again when the major had joined up with them. She’d been trying to get a sense of whose strengths worked best with whose, and in what sort of situations. But it had been weeks since she’d taken James and not the major.

“She wants Liara with her on this one,” the major answered with a shrug. “Wants to keep her close, I think, after—”

“Yeah,” James said softly. After Thessia. None of them wanted to think very hard about Thessia.

“Besides, it’s a communications hub. I think she figures Liara might be able to get some interesting information out of it.”

“Right,” James said. “Well, okay then.” He started to turn back toward the shuttle but then stopped again. Whirling around, he stalked back to the major and reached up to grab the other man’s head with both hands, kissing him hard. “Later,” he said, pulling back just enough to let the words through. He put as much promise into the word as he could.

“Later,” the major agreed, his voice husky again. “Count on it.”

James turned and made his way to the elevator without looking back. He didn’t think he’d have a shot in hell of concentrating on the upcoming mission if he looked at the major— _Kaidan, I think I can call him Kaidan now_ —right now. Shower, then gear, he told himself. He leaned his head against the back wall of the elevator, closing his eyes, feeling Kaidan’s lips against his. Make that a _cold_ shower. A slow grin spread across his face. At least he had something to look forward to when the mission was over.

 

~~

_Took him long enough_ , Kaidan thought with a grin as he watched the elevator door slide shut behind James. True, he’d tried to keep things subtle, to keep James from feeling pressured or in case he wasn’t actually interested. But as soon as James had joined in, playing the little game right along with Kaidan, it had just been an exercise in frustration, waiting to see which one of them gave in and made the first move. He ran his tongue along his lower lip, savoring the trace of sweat James had left behind. _Maybe we’ll call it a draw? I think that might have been more of a collaborative move._ He chuckled to himself. It seemed their patience had worn out at the same time.

A part of him was sorry that he would be sitting this mission out. He hated that feeling of not acting when there was work to be done, but Shepard was right that this would be a good mission for Liara. Still, he liked working in the field with James and Shepard. The three of them made a good team, he thought. Something of a powerhouse, really. Not that the rest of the crew weren’t damn powerful in their own right, but Kaidan hadn’t felt this kind of group dynamic since the first _Normandy_ …since Ash. His spirits dropped at little at the thought of his lost friend, but then he laughed at himself. _Ash is the last person who would want me to sit around mourning her_. She would probably have just told him to stop feeling left out and go make himself useful until the ground crew returned.

Well, useful he could do. James’ promise came back to him, and he smiled again. It was going to be a long wait this time. Might as well find something to keep himself busy.

 

~~

James hadn’t forgotten his conversation with Kaidan before the mission, not by a long shot. But short as the mission on Ontarom had been, it had also been exhausting. They’d been under fire pretty much from the moment they’d set foot in the communications hub, running all over the damn place trying to stop Cerberus from hacking in. Not to mention keeping them from getting to that technician. Thankfully, they’d managed to find the technician quickly, get her out of there unharmed, _and_ stop the Cerberus goons. Liara had even done some sort of Shadow Broker magic to fortify the hub’s servers should Cerberus or anyone else make another attempt to hack it. All in all, a successful mission. But it came at the price of hurting _everywhere_. His legs were sore from running up ramps and ladders and crouching behind things to avoid fire. His shoulder ached from lobbing grenades, his ears were still ringing from the steady firefight, and his whole body was buzzing from being in such close proximity to Liara’s nearly constant stream of biotic moves.

That last one was kind of weird though, he reflected as he stepped into the flow of a shower, cranking the water as hot as it would go. He turned so that it was hitting his back, and just stood still for several minutes as he let the heat and steam begin to ease his aching muscles. The buzzing started to dissipate, and once he had relaxed a bit, he reached for the soap. Strange how fighting with Kaidan affected him differently. He could definitely feel Kaidan’s biotics, but it was more of a tingling than a buzzing, or kind of like a cool breeze in a hot, stuffy room. He wondered if the difference was one of technique and training or if every biotic had their own sort of signature…what, frequency? Aura? Shit. He ducked his head under the water and then back out, running his hands across his face to brush the water from his eyes. Probably not worth thinking about. After all, he’d never heard of anyone else even being affected by biotics like he was. Of course, no one else could hear that damn hum in the shuttle bay, either. Pressure of the work was getting to him. He was starting to go loco. Still, might not hurt to ask Kaidan about it the next time they talked.

_Kaidan_. A wide grin crossed his face and he finished his shower quickly. He felt a little bit revived now. Seemed like a good time to go hunt down the major so that they could finish up their earlier conversation. He dried himself off hurriedly, not paying much attention to getting all of the moisture off of his skin. His shirt clung to a few wet patches when he slipped it on, but he was too busy thinking about finding Kaidan to care. He barreled out of the bathroom and headed for Observation where Kaidan tended to spend most of his down time. He was so intent on reaching his goal that he didn’t even notice the person in the corridor just outside the door.

“James.”

He stopped in his tracks at the softly spoken word, swinging around to find Kaidan leaning against the wall. His arms were crossed and his eyebrows were raised, eyes twinkling in amusement. James suspected Kaidan knew _exactly_ where he had been headed in such a hurry.

“Was looking for you,” James said, trying to sound casual and fighting simultaneous urges to blush and grin. That the major _could_ make him blush so easily was telling. It had been a long time since he’d let himself want someone so much. Which probably meant this was a bad idea. Couldn’t really find it in himself to care about that at the moment, though.

“Been right here,” Kaidan said with a smirk.

Kaidan’s eyes wandered over his body, lingering where his shirt clung to him in evidence of the hurry he’d been in. James gave in to the urge to blush. If he’d have realized the other man was so close, he might have just dragged Kaidan into the showers with him. That thought led to a series of very interesting images in his mind, and the flush on his cheeks deepened. Kaidan must have noticed, because his breath caught and his eyes seemed to darken.

“So, um,” James gestured toward Observation. His momentum seemed to have stalled out, now that Kaidan was right here in front of him, in the very public corridor. _Must not touch_ , he told himself. _Not yet_. “Should we?”

“Lounge is occupied at the moment, I’m afraid.” Kaidan didn’t sound too disappointed about this though. James felt his shoulders droop a little and Kaidan’s smirk softened a bit, into a more simple smile. “No one in the crew quarters though,” he said softly, “and I’ve got the lockout code.”

One of his eyebrows rose again, as if in invitation. He turned for the crew quarters without waiting for an answer, and James fell in behind him. James entered the room and glanced around nervously. The import of what was about to happen was starting to sink in. Privacy protocols were automatically on in the crew quarters, unless Shepard specifically requested to override them. That was a good call, because they wouldn’t have to make a request to put them into effect, which might attract attention. Probably much better than the lounge. _Although_ , he looked around at the cramped quarters, _not as nice a view. Then again…_ he glanced back at Kaidan, busy locking the door, and looked him over. Maybe the view from here wasn’t that bad either, come to think of it. It dawned on him that if this was going to be a regular thing, they might need to get creative. There were only a few places on the ship that either weren’t under surveillance or that had automatic privacy protocols. Off the top of his head, the only other example of the latter he could think of was the…

“If you’ve got the lockout code, why didn’t you just come find me in the showers?” James asked.

Kaidan looked up from his omni-tool, blinking in surprise at the question. He turned it off and tilted his head, quiet for a moment before he answered.

“I figured you might need to come down a little after the mission,” he said with a shrug. “It sounded like it was pretty intense.”

“Hell yeah, it was,” James agreed.

“Besides,” Kaidan added. He shrugged again, and James was surprised (and a little relieved) to see Kaidan looking bashful for once, “I know we said ‘later’ and all, but…I didn’t want to presume too much too fast.”

He stepped away from the door, walking slowly toward James. James moved as well, meeting him halfway. He extended a hand, and when Kaidan took it, he pulled the other man close. He brought up his free hand and traced the edge of Kaidan’s ear. Kaidan’s eyes slid shut and he hummed in appreciation.

“Wouldn’t have minded,” James said softly.

“I’ll keep that in mind for the next time,” Kaidan laughed.

“Next time. I like the sound of that.”

James slid his hand behind Kaidan’s head and pulled him in for a kiss, cutting him off in the middle of another laugh. All thought fled as Kaidan kissed him back. He let himself get lost in sensation. The sheer heat of the other man’s body was overwhelming, but no less so than the fervor with which Kaidan was kissing him, the soft little sounds he was making as he placed his own free hand at the back of James’ neck, pulling him in even closer. Kaidan shifted, and James went with him, allowing himself to be pressed up against the wall of the cabin. He let out a low moan as Kaidan rolled his hips slowly, letting James feel the full effect he was having on him. His own hips bucked in response, seemingly of their own accord.

He found himself suddenly glad that Kaidan was already thinking about a next time, because this one wasn’t gonna last that long.

James pulled his hands free and reached down for the edge of Kaidan’s shirt, running his fingers along the skin under the hem when he tugged it free. The muscles of Kaidan’s stomach fluttered at his touch and he grinned against Kaidan’s mouth. He tugged lightly at the shirt, pulling back and raising his eyebrows in question.

“Yeah,” Kaidan breathed, and fuck, James almost lost it at hearing the normally composed major so undone. But Kaidan was nodding, speaking again, his fingers scrambling for the edge of James’ shirt. “Yeah, that’s good. You too.”

They got their shirts off in a tangle of limbs and awkward laughter when they both tried to pull each other’s off at the same time. But in the end they managed, and Kaidan pressed him into the wall again, taking another searing kiss. James ran his fingers along Kaidan’s chest and stomach, tracing the muscles. He might not be a big as James, but he was damn well formed all the same. Kaidan’s mouth moved to his neck, tongue trailing a line along the ink covering the skin there. His hands moved to James’ waistband, tugging at the button, pushing down the zipper. James tilted his hips forward enough to let Kaidan slide his pants and underwear down, letting them fall in a puddle around his ankles. _Beds_ , he thought, _there are beds. Right over there. We could be doing this in a bed._ But the beds seemed so far away, and Kaidan was right _here_. His hands moved to Kaidan’s pants, to free him of them as well, fingers tracing lightly over the head of Kaidan’s cock, soliciting a hungry moan, before his hands slid to Kaidan’s waist, pulling the other man snugly against him.

Kaidan moaned again and bit down on James’ neck, not enough to hurt, but enough to make James’ breath catch in his throat. He rolled his hips, pushing himself against Kaidan, feeling their cocks sliding against each other. Kaidan grabbed James’ ass in both hands and began thrusting in earnest, rutting against James. James turned his head to try to catch Kaidan’s mouth again, bracing himself against the wall and holding on tight at Kaidan’s waist. He slid his arms around Kaidan, trying to pull him closer, relishing the contact, cursing that it wasn’t _enough_. He felt drunk, high, _intense_. Every touch, every sound, every movement was so much more than it should have been. It was awesome, in every sense of the word his addled brain could come up with. They moved together, and James could feel the tension coiling up, his muscles tightening. He came with a shout, fingers clamping down on Kaidan’s sides. _He’s gonna have bruises from that_ , he thought idly, his scattered thoughts hoping Kaidan wouldn’t mind the marks. Kaidan kept moving against him, kissing him, touching him, one hand still clenching his ass, the other wandering everywhere it could reach. He sped up his hips and then just stopped, holding still for a few seconds, followed by a few slow thrusts and a happy little sigh. James wouldn’t have even realized that he’d come too, if it hadn’t been for the extra bit of sticky warmth he felt pooling between their stomachs.

“You good?” He practically whispered the question, reaching up to run a tentative hand through Kaidan’s hair. He was more than a little amused to see that it was barely mussed.

“Mmm, more than good,” Kaidan whispered back. He stole a quick kiss and then took a deep breath, stepping back.

The absence of his heat was bad enough. The cool air hitting the sticky mess on his stomach was worse. James let out a soft curse and snatched his shirt off the floor, hastily wiping himself down. He offered the shirt to Kaidan when he was done. Dimly, it occurred to him that maybe he should pull up his pants. The same thought seemed to have occurred to Kaidan. They put themselves back to rights, a companionable silence falling over them. _Now what?_ James wondered as he fished a new shirt out of his locker. Strong arms wrapped around him from behind and he felt the weight of Kaidan against his back. He relaxed into the other man’s heat without a second thought.

“Is this okay?” Kaidan whispered, leaning his forehead against James’ back. He squeezed James in a quick hug.

“Yeah, man.” James turned around within Kaidan’s arms, looking down into his eyes with a smile. “More than okay.”

Kaidan relaxed at the affirmation, but James could practically see him climbing back inside that head of his. He seemed to be going back into serious mode, now that the frenzy had passed. Would he always be like this? Why was he so difficult for James to read? He leaned his head towards Kaidan, resting their foreheads together. Kaidan let out another happy sigh and James smiled slightly. He could read _that_ perfectly well, at least. Whatever this was, Kaidan liked it. Liked _him_. He could definitely work with that.

“I should probably unlock the door,” Kaidan said after a moment. “Might raise some questions, if someone does try to come in and can’t get it open.”

“Yeah, sure,” James said. He made himself let go of Kaidan and watched as the other man worked his magic on the door.

“You hungry?” Kaidan asked, glancing back over his shoulder.

“Always,” James said with a laugh. A wave of lust washed through him as his eyes ran over Kaidan and he thought to himself, _I may never be full again, actually._ It wasn’t what Kaidan had meant, of course, but it was there all the same.

“Yeah, me too,” Kaidan admitted softly. His smile told James that maybe they were still on the same page after all. “Come on, let’s go see if we can rustle up something in the mess.” Kaidan opened the door and gestured for James to lead the way. “You can tell me how the mission went.”

 

~~

They didn’t talk about what they were doing. They just… _did_ it. James felt like he had two completely separate relationships with Kaidan. In public, they were team mates, Shepard’s backup. They fought together, they played cards, they hung out with the rest of the crew, they started to become friends. In private though, it was something else. They touched and tasted and explored, learned each other’s sensitive spots, mapped the scars and the ink, every birthmark and freckle found out and memorized. James thought it might just be stress relief, but he didn’t know, and he couldn’t really bring himself to ask. When they did steal those private moments together, there wasn’t time for talking, and afterward, well, it was like a switch was turned. Kaidan His Lover disappeared, and Kaidan His Buddy took his place, and Kaidan His Buddy didn’t talk about his love life, or his sex life, or whatever it was that James was to him when they managed to steal away together.

But it didn’t take James long to realize that it didn’t really matter what it meant to Kaidan. Not in the grand scheme of things, not right now. He knew what it meant to _him_. Those moments were keeping him _sane._ If he had any chance in hell of surviving this war, he needed that. Some part of Kaidan wanted James, and for now, it was enough. At least, that’s what he kept telling himself.


	2. Just the Right Steps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Featuring special guest star, Glyph! 
> 
> I think I had far too much fun writing him in this.

Kaidan felt like a wreck. Like if he tried to sit still, his whole world would come crashing down. He was restless, his whole body trying to keep up with the way his mind was racing. He’d _known_ , damn it. _Known_ absolutely and without a doubt that Cerberus couldn’t be trusted. That even if they _had_ managed to bring Shepard back just like she’d been before, they must have had some sort of treachery on the back burner. He wished to god that he’d been wrong.

A clone. Jesus. How had none of them seen that coming? They had walked right into Brooks’ trap, too. If it hadn’t been for Glyph, they might not have escaped the archives, and certainly not in time to stop Shepard’s clone. Then, when confronted with defeat, she had just…dropped. Kaidan shuddered at the thought. How could she be so like Shepard and so unlike her at the same time? He gave himself another shake, finishing his round of the _Normandy_ , making sure that all of the security protocols had been updated accordingly, and that the _new_ round of repairs were well underway. Everything seemed to be in good order, which was fantastic for the mission, but not so much for him. Now he had to figure out what to do with himself for the next few days.

Maybe the spectre firing range? Or the arena? Both had a certain level of appeal—he could satisfy his need to be doing something, and maybe having something to focus on would help to clear up the clutter in his mind a bit. But he had seen enough in the way of fighting recently, if he was being honest with himself. He was tired of fighting, he just wanted a break. After all, who knew when they might get another chance for actual down time like this? He snorted as he reached the rapid transit station, dithering over his destination. Hell, who knew how long _this_ round of down time would _last_? His hand hovered over the selection screen. The arcade, maybe? Might be fun. But all those flashing lights and dinging games and people…no. Those conditions were a migraine in the making, no thank you. Purgatory maybe? But, no. A bar was out of the question. He knew from past experience that drinking anything when he was in this sort of mood was a Bad Idea. Maybe catch a movie or a play? He didn’t really feel like being alone. What he wanted, what he _needed_ , was…

 _James_.

A small smile crept across his face, and he made his selection, calling up a car to take him to the Silversun Strip. The car arrived and he climbed in, settling back in the seat and closing his eyes. His smile widened in anticipation and his heart sped up a bit. Yeah, some one on one time with James was exactly the thing to distract him from this most recent debacle, not to mention help him relax enough to actually enjoy a few days off. He hummed a bit of a tune to himself and then stopped, laughing quietly when he realized that it was the song James liked to sing under his breath while he cooked.

The car arrived at the strip, and Kaidan climbed out, already feeling calmer than he had all day. He made his way to Shepard’s apartment building, humming again as he walked. She had told James he was free to use the workout room any time. Kaidan had long since figured out that James took his own frustrations out on the punching bag, so he thought it pretty likely that he would find the younger man at Shepard’s place. At the very least, it was as good a starting point as any other. He had barely touched the button beside the door before it slid open for him. He stepped inside, looking around curiously, but no one seemed to actually be around.

“Hello? Anyone home?” He frowned slightly. _Someone_ had to have let him in.

“Good afternoon, Major Alenko,” came the chirping response. A small drone drifted around the corner and hovered hopefully in front of him. Could a drone be hopeful? It sure as hell came across that way.

“Ah, hi. Glyph. Um. Thanks for letting me in.”

“Of course, Major. Commander Shepard has left word that members of her crew are allowed access to the apartment unless she specifies otherwise.”

“I see.” Kaidan fought back a smile.

The drone had fallen happily into the role of host when Shepard and Liara took over the apartment. Not for the first time, he wondered just how advanced it actually was. Maybe Liara had just programmed it with a really helpful personality. But the more he saw it, the more he wasn’t sure that was it.

“Is Shepard here?” He glanced around, noting again how quiet the apartment seemed at the moment.

“No. She and Doctor T’Soni are taking something the commander called a ‘spa day.’ They did not expect to return home until after dinner.”

“Good for them,” Kaidan chuckled. If anyone deserved a spa day, it was Shepard. Well, and Liara too. Maybe the whole crew, really. But definitely the commander. He opened his mouth to ask if there was anyone else there at the moment, but Glyph beat him to the punch.

“Lieutenant Vega is here, however, and making use of the punching bag.” The drone’s tone turned doubtful. “He does not seem to be in a particularly pleasant mood. When I offered him a few pointers for improving his technique, he told me to leave in less than polite terms. If he continues in his present state, I fear he may do damage to Commander Shepard’s property or to himself.”

Kaidan tried very hard to keep a straight face and _not_ imagine the drone frowning.

“We’ve had a rough couple of days, Glyph,” he said softly.

“Of course, Major.”

“Why don’t I go talk to him?” Kaidan kept his tone neutral. “Maybe I can get him out of your hair.”

“Thank you, Major,” Glyph replied.

Kaidan didn’t think he was imagining the sound of relief in the little drone’s voice.

“Just give me a few minutes alone with him,” Kaidan called over his shoulder, already heading for the workout room.

“Of course,” Glyph agreed.

As he approached the door, Kaidan could hear the steady thump of fists hitting the punching bag. The sound was accompanied by the soft grunts of James exerting himself. Kaidan paused in the door, unseen by James, and watched the younger man for a few moments. Glyph had been right, James did seem to be going at the bag harder than usual. He felt a twinge of sympathy for the punching bag, but he could certainly understand the frustration that was fueling James at the moment. It _had_ been a rough couple of days. James had been with Shepard and Kaidan on the _Normandy_ when they’d retaken it from the clone. He’d seen the same unbelievable hopelessness in her eyes that Kaidan had. The sight of Shepard’s clone, so much like her in so many ways, dropping willingly to her death had left Kaidan burdened with nightmares ever since. It was easy enough to guess that James might have been similarly affected.

_Looks like I’m the not only one needing a distraction._

James still hadn’t noticed him, and he smirked a little to himself. He’d seen plenty of evidence to make him believe that James was always aware of his surroundings, always alert for threat. It had taken a while for Kaidan to realize that, for some reason, he seemed to be the only person who could actually sneak up on James and catch him by surprise. James didn’t see him as a threat at all. To the contrary, he seemed to trust Kaidan implicitly, had since almost the first day Kaidan had rejoined the crew. It was, Kaidan thought, a bit of a heady feeling, to be trusted so completely. He watched for a few moments longer, eyes following James’ fists as they pummeled the punching bag. _Amazing_ , he mused, _how those hands can be brutal weapons one moment, and yet be so gentle in the next_. Memories of just how gentle those hands could be sent a wave of lust spiraling through him. Kaidan moved out of the doorway, shutting and locking the door behind himself.

“James,” he said, voice gone husky with the turn his thoughts had taken.

Taped hands reached out to still the bag and brown eyes, only slightly rounded in surprise, turned to look at him. James stepped away from the bag, turning the rest of his body toward Kaidan. His heavy breathing evened out as he watched Kaidan, waiting.

“Glyph’s worried you’re gonna break something,” Kaidan said, gesturing to the punching bag with a grin. James just grunted and crossed his arms over his chest. Kaidan’s eyes followed the movement, then traveled up, tracing the black ink work before stopping to meet James’ gaze. “You wanna talk about it?”

“Nah, not really in the mood to talk,” James breathed.

Was it just his imagination, or had James hesitated before answering? _Did_ he actually want to talk? He furrowed his brow, about to ask, but before he could open his mouth, James was on him. Pressed up against the door by James’ heavy body, being kissed as if there was nothing else in the world, all thoughts of anything but _touching feeling tasting James_ fled from Kaidan’s mind.

“Yeah, neither am I,” he breathed when James finally pulled back from the kiss.

James rested his forehead on Kaidan’s shoulder, arms going around his waist, and he let out a small sigh. Kaidan slid his arms around James’ waist as well. He could feel James’ heart beating rapidly away. _Because of the workout, or because of me?_ He smiled and reached up, guiding James’ chin to bring him in for another kiss. This one was slower, deeper, but no less intense for that. James’ heart sped up even further and Kaidan felt a little thrill of delight. Without breaking the kiss, he moved forward, gently pushing James toward the closest available wall. Once their forward momentum stopped, he moved his mouth to the side of James’ neck. He nibbled at the junction of neck and shoulder before sucking gently. James sighed again, and he relaxed against the wall, his hands squeezing Kaidan’s waist briefly.

Kaidan licked and nibbled his way to James’ throat and then started working his way down James’ chest. He paused to give each tattoo a small kiss as he passed, tracing each scar lightly with his tongue as he made his way lower. James moaned when Kaidan finally came to rest on his knees. He swirled his tongue around James’ navel, relishing the salty taste of James’ sweat, and then he pulled back to blow lightly across the wet skin. James’ hips bucked in response, and Kaidan moved his hands to them, gripping tightly and pressing James’ ass against the wall, holding on tightly in an unspoken command to remain still. He glanced up in time to catch James nodding in agreement and then looked back down, leaning forward and taking the edge of James’ fly in his teeth.

“ _Dios mío! Si, por favor!_ ”

Kaidan hummed happily as he undid the button at James’ waistband, then carefully pulled the zipper down. He felt more than a little pleased with himself. James might have the occasional Spanish word sprinkled throughout his vocabulary, but Kaidan had rarely heard him actually lapse into the other tongue entirely. He glanced up again, wanting to see the abandon on James’ face, and instead his eyes locked onto James’ intense gaze. His hands tightened involuntarily in response to the need he found in that look, and James grunted at the increased pressure on his hips. Kaidan made himself loosen his grip, moving his hands steadily to the waistband of James’ pants. His eyes still locked with James’, he hooked his fingers into the elastic of James’ underwear, pulling them down right along with his pants. James reached out a tentative hand, carding it through Kaidan’s hair, one finger lightly tracing the shell of his ear. Kaidan was so engulfed in James’ eyes that he barely felt it.

Slowly, deliberately, he leaned forward, taking James into his mouth. He swirled his tongue around the tip and James’ eyes slid closed. His head fell back against the wall and he let out a low moan that sent a thrill of lust shooting through Kaidan’s body. Finally freed from James’ gaze, Kaidan was able to bend his focus back to the task at hand. He leaned forward, swallowing down as much of James’ cock as he could manage. James’ hips gave a small stutter, but he remained pressed against the wall, heeding Kaidan’s earlier command. Kaidan hummed happily and James stuttered again as the vibration washed over him. Kaidan slid his mouth back, licking a wide stripe up the underside of James’ cock as he did so, sucking on the tip when he reached it, before moving back down again.

He trailed the fingers of one hand down James’ thigh, relishing the shiver this caused, and then lightly up between his legs, taking James’ balls in his hand. He pulled his mouth back to the tip of James’ cock, taking hold of the shaft with his free hand and stroking firmly while he continued to play with James’ balls and slide his mouth and tongue along James’ length. The hand in his hair tightened and he felt James grip his shoulder with the other. He could feel the tension in James’ thighs, it felt like he was digging his heels into the ground to keep from thrusting. James groaned again and Kaidan felt his own cock twitch in response. Chuckling softly, Kaidan pulled back, looking up to meet James’ eyes again.

“All right, then,” Kaidan breathed, “let go.”

James’ breath caught and his eyes went wide, but he nodded eagerly. He straightened up, pushing away from the wall slightly, and the hand in Kaidan’s hair slid around to grip firmly at the back of his head. Kaidan settled down on his haunches, bracing himself, and leaned forward to kiss the tip of James’ cock before sliding his mouth around it again. He reached up to place one palm on the wall for support and relaxed his throat as James started moving. He thrust slowly at first, but his pace soon quickened. Kaidan moved his free hand down, undoing his own pants and taking hold of his cock, stroking in time with James’ thrusts.

“ _Dios, si! Si, si. Oh, Kaidan, si!_ ”

The sound of his name on James’ lips like that surged through Kaidan and he came with a jolt. It was only with great effort that he remained upright as James continued to thrust into his mouth. James’ hand tightened almost painfully in Kaidan’s hair, and then he was coming as well. Kaidan swallowed it down, pulling back only enough to avoid choking. James’ hips stilled and he slipped out of Kaidan’s mouth. He slumped back against the wall, and Kaidan saw that his eyes were a little glazed. He was listing a bit, and Kaidan reached up, guiding him down the wall to collapse in a tangle of legs and clothing. He made sure to steer James around the small sticky puddle of evidence that Kaidan had enjoyed himself every bit as much as James had.

 _Shepard’s not going to be too happy with us if she notices that and figures out what it’s from_ , he thought as he leaned companionably into James’ side. He’d do his best to clean up before they left, but beyond that, he couldn’t bring himself to much care about it at the moment. His mind and his senses were full of James. He kissed the nearest bit of him that he could reach, which turned out to be his shoulder, and James laughed softly, lifting his arm to wrap around Kaidan’s waist, pulling him in close. His eyes were shut and a satisfied grin was plastered on his face. Kaidan felt himself grinning in response and noted with a bit of pride that there was no tension left in James’ body at all. He was breathing evenly, normal calm restored. Kaidan had done his job well.

“That was new,” James observed after a few moments of contented silence.

“Mmm,” Kaidan agreed. “Seemed like you needed it.”

“Guess I did. Think maybe you did too.”

There was a hint of question in that, and Kaidan nodded slightly, reaching down to give James’ thigh a gentle squeeze.

“So, got any post-workout plans?”

“Well, usually I take a shower.” James laughed. “Which definitely seems like a good idea in this particular case. But I suspect we’ve already stretched Lola’s hospitality as far as we should today.”

“Yeah, probably so,” Kaidan agreed.

“Food?”

“Food’s always a good plan.”

“You and your stomach,” James laughed again, shaking his head. “Biotics.” He pushed himself up from the wall and then pulled his pants back up. Once had himself situated, he offered a hand to Kaidan, pulling him up as well. “Hey, thanks man,” he said softly once Kaidan was standing again.

“Any time, James, you know that.” Kaidan pulled him in for a kiss.

James blushed and nodded, then turned away, searching for his shirt, discarded before Kaidan had arrived. Kaidan did up his own pants again and then ducked into the small adjoining bathroom to grab supplies for cleaning up his mess. Once they were both ready, James opened up the door and almost walked face-first into Glyph.

“Ah, Lieutenant Vega,” the drone greeted him, floating quickly out of his path. “You seem to be in better spirits.”

“Um, yeah,” James blinked, glancing over his shoulder at Kaidan. “Sorry about earlier, just had to work some stuff out.”

“Of course, of course,” the drone answered. “Think nothing of it. Is there anything I can get for you or Major Alenko?”

“Thanks Glyph, but no, we’re heading out,” Kaidan said.

“Very well then. Thank you for your assistance, Major Alenko. Good day to you both.”

James shot a questioning look at Kaidan, who just bit his lip, fighting back a grin. They hurried to the door, bidding the drone goodbye before ducking out into the hall.

“What did he mean by ‘assistance?'” James asked as they made their way across the strip.

Kaidan burst into laughter. He stopped and squeezed James’ shoulder, shaking his head as he tried to recover himself.

“I told you he was worried about you,” Kaidan managed to get out. “Said I’d try to talk you down.”

“Oh,” James blinked and then laughed as well. “Well, I guess you did. More or less.”

“Cheered you up at least.”

“Yeah.”

He grinned and bumped his shoulder into Kaidan’s. They started walking again, heading for the closest restaurant, and James reached out without thinking, taking Kaidan’s hand in his own. Kaidan linked his fingers through James’ and gave them a quick squeeze. They walked like that for a few steps before the crowd shifted and they had to let go to accommodate it. They fell in beside each other again, shoulders brushing together as they continued on their way.

“So,” James said, “you hear about this party Lola’s putting together?”


	3. Agreeing on the Song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for Citadel DLC going on! Also, a wee bit of dialogue from the game itself! That's Bioware's, not mine, obviously.
> 
> Please forgive my fumbling attempts at Spanish. Translation is in the end notes!

“You’re being so gentle, Liara. Can I have a turn?”

James stared at Kaidan, barely hearing Lola’s quip in response to the remark. He’d mostly been joking about being turned on by the biotics, but damn, he wasn’t _now_. The way that Kaidan was looking at him, well, James would be amazed if it didn’t let everyone else present know exactly what was going on between the two of them. Not that it was a secret. But hell, they were supposed to at least be _trying_ to be discreet.

The conversation about whether or not biotics trumped physical strength had started out as just a harmless little teasing and competition between himself and Kaidan. But when Miranda had walked by and overheard them, she thought they were serious and decided to chime in with her own thoughts on the matter. _That_ had attracted Jacob’s attention, and then Liara had joined in as well. Before he’d known what was happening, James found himself facing off against the whole group of biotics, wondering how long he could keep up the argument before he had to explain that he’d just been _joking_. Kaidan was no help. He apparently found the whole thing hilarious. Liara’s little stunt seemed to have drawn the discussion to a conclusion though, and he figured he could probably back down now without embarrassing himself _too_ much.

“Okay, you’ve had your fun. Put me down now.”

Liara smirked and let him drop lightly to the ground. James could feel Kaidan’s eyes on him still, burning into his back. Satisfied that her point had been made, Liara called for dancing, and the rest of the group eagerly agreed, spreading out as Glyph fired up some music. James watched the dancing for a few moments before joining in. He spared a moment to wonder just how much booze Lola had stocked up with for this party.

He hadn’t seen her drink much, but she was watching everyone with a satisfied smile on her face. He suspected that getting everyone to cut loose a bit had been a definite intention behind throwing the party in the first place. Lola moved among the dancers, pausing to talk to everyone, probably making sure they were having a good time. James grinned to himself, amused at her inability to stop trying to take care of everyone else. Movement from the corner of his eye caught his attention, and he saw Kaidan slowly working his way over to him. James started doing the same, and they met a few minutes later, moving off the edge of the impromptu dance floor.

“I’m gonna grab another beer, you want one?”

Kaidan leaned in close to be heard over the music. He put a hand on James’ arm, ostensibly to steady himself, but his touch was light, and James knew it was just an excuse. Warmth radiated from the point of contact, spreading through James rapidly. He leaned into it slightly, tilting his head to meet Kaidan’s eyes.

“Nah, man,” he answered as quietly as he could. “I’m good. But I’ll come with you. Getting a bit hot up here.”

“I thought you liked things hot.” Kaidan laughed as they turned for the stairs. “What’s the matter, Vega, can’t take the heat anymore?”

“Oh, I can take the heat just fine.” James paused in the hall, leaning against the wall. He waited until Kaidan had a foot on the top step before adding, “I just prefer to be generating it one on one.”

Kaidan froze, and James saw his grip on the rail tighten. After a very long moment, he turned back to James. The earlier look of lust was back on his face.

“Is that so?”

James flicked his eyes down the hallway, to the empty guest room at the end of it, then met Kaidan’s gaze with a smirk.

“Yeah, it is.”

Kaidan glanced at the guest room as well, the corners of his mouth quirking up. He moved away from the stairs, stepping over to James. He traced a finger lightly down James’ arm, smile widening when James shivered, then took James’ hand in his own.

“In that case, I think the beer can wait.”

James laughed, but Kaidan cut him off with a sharp kiss. Without further ado, he strode down the hall, pulling James along with him. As soon as they were both through the door, Kaidan shut and locked it. When he turned back around, James pressed him up against it, bending down to take a kiss of his own. Kaidan’s hands went to his waist, tightening and pulling their bodies closer together.

“Miranda was right, you know,” Kaidan whispered when they broke apart. James cocked his head in question, and Kaidan smirked. “You looked good all wrapped up in blue like that.” He licked his lips. “ _Really_ good.”

“Felt pretty good, too,” James admitted. “Though I think I prefer it when you’re the one making me buzz all over like that.”

“You _think_ you do, huh?” Kaidan rose an eyebrow, picking up on the hint of challenge in James’ voice.

“Yeah, well, you’ve only ever gone all glowy in my vicinity,” James teased. “You’ve never actually used your biotics _on_ me. Not really sure I can make an educated comparison at this point. Guess it’s too bad that Lola stopped you from getting your turn, earlier.”

Kaidan leaned back against the door and made a thoughtful sound. A look of concentration flashed across his face and James felt the tell-tale tingling that always accompanied Kaidan gathering his biotic energy. A soft blue glow surrounded him and then, for the second time that night, James felt himself rising into the air, engulfed by the glow as well. He sighed happily as the energy washed over him, and other parts of his body began to take interest as well.

“No one stopping me now though.” Kaidan cocked an eyebrow. “Is there?”

“ _Dios, no_ ,” James whispered.

Kaidan’s smile widened and he walked forward, James floating backwards as he did so. Kaidan stopped when James was in the middle of the room, then walked around him, looking him over with an appreciative air.

“So, what’s the verdict?”

“What?”

“Do you prefer my, what did you call it? My buzz? To Liara’s? Or is there not any difference?”

Despite the teasing tone and the cocky smile, James could hear a note of real curiosity in Kaidan’s voice. He grinned, meeting Kaidan’s eyes.

“Oh, there’s a difference all right. Not sure I could describe it, but it’s there. It feels like…like _you_.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He winked. “And for the record, I definitely prefer your buzz.” He paused, something from earlier coming back to him. “So, was Jacob for real? Does it really feel this good for you all the time? When you use your biotics?” If it did, he couldn’t imagine how Kaidan managed to think straight in a fight, let alone kick so much ass.

“ _This_ good? No.” Kaidan smirked, amused. “But this is a hell of a lot different from throwing husks across a battlefield. It can be pretty heady though, like an extra double shot of adrenaline or something.” He tilted his head and James felt a shift in the biotic field around him, almost like a caress. He groaned at the feel and Kaidan’s smirk softened into a real smile as he ducked his head. “Gotta admit though, it _is_ better when you’re there. When we’re fighting together, watching each other’s backs. It’s uh, it’s a hell of a rush, James.”

“Feeling’s mutual,” James whispered.

Kaidan made a happy sound in the back of his throat and then James was moving again. Kaidan walked slowly behind him, moving James until he was floating over the bed. His perspective shifted as Kaidan reoriented him in midair, flipping him back so that he was horizontal, and then slowly letting him drift down onto the bed. Once he reached the surface, the glow and buzz of Kaidan’s biotics disappeared. James laughed softly and then he felt the bed dip down as Kaidan climbed up next to him. He rolled over and watched as Kaidan stretched out alongside him, reaching out to stroke the side of Kaidan’s jaw.

“You know any more party tricks?”

“Maybe a few,” Kaidan answered with a laugh. He leaned forward for a quick kiss. “But, considering that I can’t come up with any that would get you naked, I don’t think tricks will do me any good at the moment.”

“All you gotta do is ask, Kaidan.”

“In that case,” Kaidan reached out and tugged James’ shirt free from his pants. “I’d say we’re _both_ vastly overdressed at the moment.”

“Can’t say I disagree.”

James sat up and peeled off his shirt, doing the same for Kaidan when he sat up as well. On instinct, he stretched out a hand to comb his fingers through a few loose strands of Kaidan’s hair, brushing them back into place. Kaidan smiled and kissed the side of his hand when he pulled it back. The look in his eyes made James’ heart speed up even faster, and he tried to cover the reaction by leaning down to attack his boots, pulling them off along with his socks. He stood and started to undo his pants, then paused when he realized that Kaidan wasn’t doing the same.

“Do you know,” Kaidan drawled, his eyes sliding along James’ exposed skin, “I don’t think we’ve ever actually gotten the chance to do this.”

“What are you talking about?”

“This,” Kaidan waved a hand around the room, bringing it down to pat the bed. “Locked door, no cameras, no chance of someone coming looking for one of us, no worries about being interrupted with a message. No clothes at all.” He arched a brow and laughed, low in his throat, before finally standing to finish removing said clothes. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. I definitely enjoy what we normally do.” He shrugged and looked up, catching James’ eyes. “But this? It’s nice, is all.”

James started to answer, but before he managed to say anything in response, Kaidan kicked off the last of his clothes and sat on the bed again. He leaned back on his elbows, thighs spread wide and arousal on clear display. James’ throat dried up and coherent thought fled from his mind. He mumbled a sound of agreement as he hastily shed his pants and underwear. Then he closed the distance between them, climbing between Kaidan’s legs and pressing him down onto the bed. They flowed together, their lips meeting and Kaidan’s arms wrapping around James’ broad back.

They kissed for a long while, too awash in the myriad of possibilities to do much else. James relished the feel of their skin together, so much of it, _all_ of it, pressed up tightly together, Kaidan’s heat warming him inside and out. He kissed a trail down Kaidan’s jaw to his neck, sucking lightly, mouthing at his Adam’s apple. Kaidan moaned and arched into the touch, the movement bringing their cocks together. A jolt of electricity shot through James and he groaned. He started to inch his way downward, needing to touch, to taste, but Kaidan stopped him with a light squeeze on his shoulder.

“No,” he breathed. “Not that. Want you to fuck me.”

James sucked in a breath, dropping his forehead to Kaidan’s chest. He was more than a little relieved to feel Kaidan’s heartbeat, racing along almost as fast as his own.

“Yeah, that’s…that’d be…yeah.” He sucked in another breath, brain clearing up just a little to remind him about one nagging obstacle to following that wonderful order. “Um, we’re gonna need lube for that though.”

“Thought of that,” Kaidan grunted. He pushed at James gently, urging him to shift so that he could sit up. “Got some here somewhere, hang on.”

“Oh.”

 _Oh. He…thought about that. Ahead of time._ The lustful haze was starting to come back. Kaidan finished rooting around in his pants and sat up with a triumphant grin, brandishing a small bottle with discreet labeling. James fought to recover his wits as he took the bottle. Kaidan lay back on the bed again, open want on his face, smile full of anticipation.

“So, you’ve just been carrying this around then? Waiting for the right opportunity or something?” James tried to keep his voice light, teasing, as he popped open the bottle and poured some of the lube on his fingers.

“Seemed like a reasonable hope for tonight,” Kaidan admitted, his voice gone husky.

“Such a damned boy scout,” James chuckled, leaning down to kiss Kaidan. “Always prepared,” he whispered, pulling back with a grin.

“I’m pretty sure that’s actually one of your favorite things about me,” Kaidan said.

James just laughed in response before pushing Kaidan’s thighs open a little wider and setting to work getting Kaidan ready. He made himself take his time, pausing occasionally to steal a kiss, keeping a close eye on Kaidan to gauge his reactions. He was amazed at how relaxed Kaidan seemed from the very start. There was so much trust between them, he thought, always there, even though he had no idea what he’d done to earn it.

 _Gonna do everything I can to_ keep _it, though._

Once Kaidan was writhing under his touch, head dropped back on the bed, eyes shut, and breathing heavy, James sat back and paused, trying to decide how to proceed.

“ _Dios_ , you’re beautiful like this,” he murmured, leaning down for one more kiss.

They were both still on the edge of the bed, and he really didn’t want to move Kaidan. But he thought the bed might be just the right height that he didn’t need to. Standing, James moved in between Kaidan’s legs and grinned. _Perfect._ He grabbed the lube and coated his cock, then lined himself up and began to press inside of Kaidan. Kaidan tensed briefly, then moaned before letting loose a satisfied sigh. James paused about halfway in, pushing Kaidan’s legs back and hooking Kaidan’s knees over his arms, hands gripping his thighs. He waited until he felt Kaidan relax around him, and then in one smooth motion he pushed forward while also hitching Kaidan toward him, slamming home.

“Fuck, _yes_!”

Kaidan’s hiss was all the encouragement he needed. James didn’t hold back, he held on tight to Kaidan’s thighs, thrusting into him with abandon. They could be gentle together, but this wasn’t the moment for that. “Fuck me,” Kaidan had said, so fuck him James did. Kaidan cried out as James moved inside of him, hands scrabbling in the bed cover, never quite finding purchase. He tried to keep his eyes open, but they kept sliding shut, and James was only spurred on by his loss of control. He let his own eyes drift closed, concentrating on the feeling of Kaidan all around him, the heat more intense than he had ever imagined. He bit down hard on his lip when he came, the shout that welled up escaping in a grunt. He let go of Kaidan’s legs, sliding out as they dropped to the bed. He planted his hands on either side of Kaidan’s waist, leaning over him, panting as he tried to catch his breath.

“Jesus, James.”

He felt a light touch at his jaw and looked up, eyes meeting Kaidan’s. Kaidan was staring at him in awe, thumb lightly brushing James’ cheek as he seemed to search for more words. James turned his head, nipping at Kaidan’s thumb, causing the other man’s breath to catch.

“Not done yet,” James said with a laugh.

Without ceremony, he dropped to his knees, reaching out to take Kaidan’s cock in hand, finally closing his mouth over it. Kaidan cried out wordlessly and bucked into James’ mouth. It only took James a few moments working with lips and tongue and hand before Kaidan was coming. James pulled back, hand stroking firmly as Kaidan finished.

“Much better,” he whispered, planting a light kiss on the inside of Kaidan’s thigh.

“Come here,” Kaidan breathed, arms pulling uselessly at James’ shoulders.

“Hey, I like a good cuddle man, but we’re kind of all sticky.”

“We can clean up later,” Kaidan insisted. “Come _here_.”

James went.

They pulled back the sheets and blankets to curl up together underneath. James wrapped his arms around Kaidan’s back and Kaidan slid his own around James’ waist. After a few awkward moments of adjustment, they managed to get their legs tangled up together in a way that made sure no one was kneeing anyone else in the stomach or other sensitive parts. Kaidan tucked his head under James’ chin and his breathing quickly started to even out. James stared down at him in disbelief for a moment before shaking his head ruefully. It wasn’t like he could blame the guy. None of them got enough rest these days. Between the beer and the biotics and the sex, Kaidan was probably thoroughly worn out. A grin flashed across his face as he thought about his own part in that. Of course, no sooner had he justified Kaidan’s weariness than his own began to make itself known. His grin softened and he pulled Kaidan a little bit closer. The chance to actually sleep all night uninterrupted in a real bed was _almost_ as welcome as the chance to fuck in one.

“ _Tu me vuelves loco, mi tesoro_ ,” he whispered into Kaidan’s hair, reaching up a hand to run his fingers through the only slightly tousled mass. “ _Pero que vale la pena cada instante_.”

 

~~

As he surfaced into wakefulness the next morning, James reflected that it probably _was_ good that he could handle heat. Kaidan was wrapped tightly around him, radiating warmth like a furnace. It was nice though, and he didn’t particularly feel like ruining the moment. Kaidan never held on quite so tightly when he was awake. So he stayed where he was, bringing one hand up to gently card through Kaidan’s hair, careful not to disturb him. He had no way of telling what time it was, but he thought it was pretty early. The apartment was quiet, and there was a sense of stillness in the air suggesting that no one else was up yet. He wondered how many people had left the party under their own steam, and how many had crashed here, finding a bed or couch or corner of floor to pass out on.

 _Probably more stayed than left_ , he mused, thinking about how much alcohol had been floating around the previous night. He figured it was a good thing he and Kaidan had retired early. There might be more bedrooms in this apartment than Shepard actually needed, but there weren’t _that_ many, compared to all of her guests. Even if he and Kaidan hadn’t been the only couple to pair off for the night, there were gonna be people who were sleeping on couches or the floor. Kaidan shifted beside him and James glanced down, brown eyes meeting brown.

“Morning,” he said softly.

“Already?” Kaidan rolled away and stretched, then winced and brought a hand up to his head. “Shit.”

“Migraine?” James sat up in concern, batting Kaidan’s hands away so that he could massage his temples.

“No, no. Thank god. Just…hangover, I think.” He uttered a wry chuckle, which drew another wince. “Been a long time since I’ve had one, though.”

“Yeah, well, I doubt you’re gonna be the only one this morning. Just imagine how bad it’ll be for everyone that kept drinking after we slipped away.”

“Small comfort, at least.”

Kaidan sighed and sat up so that he was leaning against James’ chest, giving him a better angle for the massage. James kept it up until the tension drained from Kaidan’s shoulders. When Kaidan finally relaxed and sighed happily, James slid his arms around his waist and gave him a loose hug, chin resting on his shoulder. They probably had a little time before anyone else started to wake up. So the question was, what did they do with it? Kaidan seemed to be thinking along the same lines.

“Shower?” He glanced hopefully at the small bathroom in the corner.

“Probably not a bad idea,” James agreed. “You can go first, if you want. Maybe it will finish clearing your head.”

“Was thinking we could share.” Kaidan craned his neck around so that he could meet James’ eyes again, winking at him.

James laughed softly and nodded. Then he hugged Kaidan again before letting him go to slip out of the bed. He held out a hand and Kaidan took it, letting himself be led across the room. They took turns relieving themselves and then James started the shower while Kaidan riffled through the cabinet for soap and towels.

“Damn.” He let out a low whistle, sounding pleased. “Anderson _must_ have meant to use this place for entertaining. There’s all kinds of extra toiletries under here. Toothbrushes, combs, deodorant,” he let out a delighted laugh, “even hair gel.”

James laughed with him, reaching over to grab a cake of soap and a washcloth. Kaidan pulled out a tube of toothpaste and two toothbrushes, handing one to James. James took it with a nod of thanks and they crowded around the tiny sink while they cleaned their teeth. James smirked when he saw Kaidan carefully set out the hair gel next to the deodorant and a comb, readying them for after their shower.

He had a moment to regret that he hadn’t noticed the gel first and been able to hide it. One day he was gonna see what Kaidan’s hair looked like without all that product in it. He’d seen it wet once or twice, briefly, and gotten enough tantalizing hints to suspect that there would be curls involved. He really, _really_ wanted to see the curls. To run his hands through them, to get to see Kaidan like no one else got to see him…

“James?” Kaidan waved a hand in front of his face, laughing when James blinked and stared at him in surprise. “Guess you’re not actually awake yet, huh? Come on, water’s ready.”

James followed him into the glass cubicle, walls already steamed up. He was glad of the heat from the water, it hid the flush on his face. Shit. What was he thinking? It wasn’t like waking up together like this was going to be a regular occurrence. Or like he and Kaidan were ever gonna be somewhere together when Kaidan didn’t feel like he had to be the image of a controlled, competent soldier. No point in wanting more than Kaidan was willing to give him, after all. What they had was pretty good already, really. But still, he couldn’t help but wonder…he shook off the thoughts, bringing himself back to the present.

Thankfully, Kaidan hadn’t noticed his introspective mood, intent as he seemed to be on getting himself cleaned up and letting the shower wash away the rest of his hangover. He tossed the washcloth at James and leaned back against the wall, watching with a lazy smile as James took his turn to soap up.

“You know,” Kaidan drawled as James stepped under the spray to rinse off the suds, “I remember you once telling me you wouldn’t have minded me coming to find you in the shower.”

James glanced at Kaidan, surprised. The heat of the water had nothing on Kaidan’s voice. They’d mostly been orbiting around each other since they got in the shower, each doing their own thing. But suddenly he found himself actually _aware_ of Kaidan’s presence, of how close they were to each other, and of how naked they both were. Of the fact that the light and the water were working together to highlight all of Kaidan’s muscles very nicely indeed. His eyes flicked down and widened. It seemed Kaidan was also quite aware of all of this. He cleared his throat and looked back up, trying for a cocky grin.

“Yeah, I seem to remember saying that.”

“Offer still open?” Kaidan lifted one eyebrow.

“Always.” James laughed, stepping out of the water and sliding into Kaidan’s arms, tilting his head down for a kiss.

There wasn’t much traction to be had, but Kaidan was leaning against one of the narrower walls of the shower. James spread himself out, bracing his hands and feet against the walls to either side of them and pinning Kaidan down with his body. Kaidan’s hands roamed all over him as he continued to kiss Kaidan, mouth moving from lips to jaw to neck to shoulders, then back up to trace the shell of Kaidan’s ear with his tongue. He drank in the moan this drew from Kaidan, nipping at his earlobe and tugging lightly with his teeth before moving back to Kaidan’s mouth.

Their hips were moving frantically, their bodies rubbing together, James jolting whenever their cocks brushed each other. But they were too wet, too slippery, and there was no real friction. James grunted in frustration, needing something, anything more. Kaidan laughed softly and reached down between them, circling his hands tightly around both of them. James let out a needy whine, hips snapping forward as he thrust into Kaidan’s hands, breath catching as his cock rubbed against Kaidan’s with actual pressure this time. Kaidan just laughed again and then began stroking firmly. James came undone. He managed one more stuttering thrust and then stilled as his muscles tensed and the orgasm rippled through his body. He dropped his forehead to Kaidan’s shoulder, trying to catch his breath. He was afraid if he tried to move too soon, he might just collapse into a puddle at Kaidan’s feet. A soft, grunting sigh in his ear told him Kaidan had come as well.

For a few moments, James was aware of nothing but the sounds of their breathing and the running water. Then Kaidan pressed a light kiss to the side of his neck, followed by one on his cheek. A hand reached up, guiding him to lift his head, turning him so that their lips could meet. Kaidan’s other hand moved up, fingers trailing through the short hair on James’ head, combing through the longer strands on the top. His tongue pressed lightly to James’ lips, and James opened them, allowing Kaidan inside. He tasted like toothpaste, James thought, muddled. And eezo of course. Always the faintest trace of eezo. He could never tell if it was really there or if that was just how his imagination thought Kaidan _should_ taste.

They broke apart at last, and it was little effort to clean up after their latest exertions. They got out of the shower and toweled off. James just shook his head with a laugh when Kaidan started tending to his hair before he’d even bothered to dress. He wandered out into the bedroom again, pulling on his underwear before eying the bed in speculation. Years of military life were screaming at him to make it up again, but those sheets were definitely gonna need to be washed. Making up his mind, he stripped the sheets from the bed and tossed them into a hamper that he found in the closet, where he also found a spare set of sheets. It was quick work to make up the bed again. The comforter was, miraculously, unstained, so he spread it out carefully on the bed again once he was done with the sheets.

“So, you’re _that_ kind of house guest.”

James jumped a little and turned to find Kaidan leaning in the bathroom doorway, watching him with an amused smile. James just shrugged and grinned back.

“Well, no sense making more work for someone else.” He narrowed his eyes. “Don’t tell me you’re the kind of guy who trashes hotel rooms?”

“Of course not,” Kaidan laughed. “I was actually thinking about doing the same thing.”

“Right.” James’ grin widened.

While Kaidan made sure they hadn't left any other messes anywhere, James retrieved the rest of his clothing and finished getting dressed. As he was lacing up his boots, Kaidan sat down beside him on the bed. He’d managed his pants, and pulled on his shirt as James finished the last set of laces. James reached up to smooth back a few loose strands of Kaidan’s hair once his head popped out of the collar. Kaidan laughed and leaned forward to give James a kiss on the cheek, whispering “thanks” as he moved away, bending down to see to his own boots. James leaned back on the bed, admiring the play of muscles in Kaidan’s back.

“So, uh,” Kaidan said as he worked, voice light. “What was that you said last night when we were falling asleep? I caught ‘ _loco_ ’ I think, but not the rest of it.”

“Um.” James flushed red, and was very glad that Kaidan was not looking at him in that moment. He had thought Kaidan _had_ already been asleep at that point. It dawned on him that he had no idea how much Spanish Kaidan might know. He cleared his throat, grasping for something reasonable. “Just that it was a crazy night, but worth it,” he finally said.

“Oh. Well, I can’t argue with that.” Kaidan sounded thoughtful. He sat up and then glanced around at James before leaning back on the bed next to him. He leaned in for another quick kiss. “Last night was definitely worth the crazy. Though this morning wasn’t bad either.” He winked. “It’s nice, getting to start the day together like this.”

“Is it?”

James didn’t realize he’d actually asked the question until Kaidan sat up and turned to look at him, brow furrowed.

“What does that mean?”

 _Well, shit._ James bit back a groan, thinking furiously of some way to explain himself. Kaidan was watching him, his expression wary. James heaved a sigh and sat up as well, turning to face him head on.

“Just that this isn’t normally what we do, I guess.” He gestured around the room, down at the bed, and toward the shower. “This…domestic stuff. We just sneak around the ship after missions having sex where we think we won’t get caught.” _And sometimes not bothering to care if we do or not._ “But, I mean, I don’t know what this actually _is_ , beyond that. I don’t know what you actually want from me.”

He took a deep breath, forcing himself to hold Kaidan’s gaze. He would not look away. He’d been bottling this all up for months, and now that it was out in the open, he might as well face it. Kaidan’s eyebrows shot up and he was staring at James in bafflement.

“What do I want from you?” He shook his head, clearly bewildered. “I would think that’d be obvious by now, James.”

“Yeah, except it’s really not.”

Kaidan didn’t say anything, his brows just furrowed again and he tilted his head, waiting. So James pressed on.

“We have a hell of a lot of fun together in private, and that’s awesome. I think--no, I _know—_ that outside of that, we’re friends, and I definitely don’t want to lose that. But there’s no connection between those two things, Kaidan. Don’t pretend like there is. So I guess what I’m asking is if this is a friends with benefits type situation or if it’s something more. Are we together, or have we just wandered into each other’s orbits? If you had the opportunity to be with someone else, would you—”

“I don’t want to be with anyone else,” Kaidan said softly.

His eyes flashed briefly and James felt something inside himself uncoil, a bit of tension disappearing. He reached out and rested a hand on Kaidan’s knee, squeezing it gently.

“Okay, well, that’s good to know. Neither do I, for the record. But…that doesn’t mean that this isn’t just blowing off steam. That we’re not just having fun indulging in a mutual attraction to try to forget for a little while that the galaxy’s going to hell around us.”

“No,” Kaidan sighed. “No, it doesn’t.”

He looked down and took a breath, and James fought to keep his face blank. His hand slipped from Kaidan’s knee and he had to concentrate to not curl it into a fist to brace himself against the disappointment. Kaidan took a deep breath and then looked up again. There was something…sad in his eyes, and James realized he didn’t even need to hear what Kaidan would say next. He knew what was coming.

“You’re right, about the galaxy. It’s going to hell, and we’re right in the middle of it. Maybe we’ll be able to stop it from happening.” He gave a wry little chuckle. “Hell, if anyone can, it’s Shepard, and she’ll drag us all along right behind her.” James grunted in agreement and Kaidan smiled shakily at him. He reached out and took James’ hand in both of his, looking down at it as he added, “But right now? There’s no promise that any of us will get a future, and I can’t let myself get bogged down thinking about something that may never come.” He looked up again, holding James’ gaze. “I’m living moment to moment right now, because that’s all I _know_ I’m going to get, that _we’re_ going to get. But in this moment, in all those quiet moments in between the chaos of battle, what I want, what I _need_ , is _you_ , James.”

“Yeah, I—” James nodded, looking down at their hands.

He swallowed down a sigh. It was about what he had expected, though he could admit to himself he had been hoping for more. But he had meant it when he’d said he didn’t want to lose Kaidan as a friend. The sex was great. Well, okay, the sex was phenomenal. But if that’s all it was to Kaidan, just sex, then James could respect that. He glanced up again, offering a shaky smile of his own.

“I get that. It’s cool.”

“We’re good?”

Kaidan’s voice was soft, and he squeezed James’ hands lightly. The sadness had left his eyes, and James was relieved to see that. He nodded in answer and Kaidan relaxed a bit. James was disappointed, but he was surprised to realize that he did feel better. At least now he knew where they stood with each other. Once the war was over, he wouldn’t be expecting anything that wasn’t going to happen. That made this easier. He hadn’t realized how much the uncertainty had been weighing on him until it was gone. He sat up a little straighter, and he and Kaidan settled in next to each other again, enjoying a few moments of contemplative silence.

They were startled out of their reverie when Kaidan’s stomach gave off a ridiculously loud rumble. James couldn’t help but laugh at the expression on Kaidan’s face. He was staring down at his midsection as if horrified by its audacity.

“Shit man, when’s the last time you ate?”

“Uh…I honestly have no idea.” Kaidan shrugged and shot him a sheepish smile, finally giving in to the urge to laugh himself.

“Come on,” James pushed himself off the bed and turned to offer Kaidan a hand. “Let’s go downstairs. There’s gotta be something left in the fridge. I’ll make you some breakfast.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Tu me vuelves loco, mi tesoro, pero que vale la pena cada instante" = You make me crazy, my treasure, but you are worth every instant.
> 
> (Thank you to Arthur for pointing out that I utterly dropped the ball on that and had the wrong word there!)


	4. The Finishing Number

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This doesn’t properly conform to any of the game’s actual endings, but I figured it’s my story and I can end it how I want to. So, yeah. Heads up if that's the kind of thing that bothers you! Again, little bit of dialogue from the game, and that's Bioware's not mine!
> 
> Spanish translation at the end of the chapter.

The crew stayed on the Citadel for a few more days after Shepard’s party, waiting for the final repairs and fortifications on the _Normandy_ to be finished. After all, until they managed to pinpoint the signal from the tracking device Miranda planted on Kai Leng, they didn’t really have a next mission yet.

Kaidan couldn’t quite bring himself to voice it out loud, but he was fairly certain that Shepard had ordered a few more bits of maintenance and upgrading than were strictly necessary. Sure, she could just be taking a little extra precaution, but he wouldn’t be surprised to learn she was also trying to give them all just a few more days of down time in case…well, in case the worst happened. He _hoped_ that wasn’t what this ended up being, but he wasn’t going to complain about the time, either.

He was determined to make the most of it, and he wasn’t the only one. He and James had given up their previous lodgings to check into a hotel together after they left Shepard’s place. A nice hotel, with big beds. Granted, during the day they each tended to go their own way, but the nights they spent together, enjoying each other in every way they could come up with. Kaidan honestly couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so happy, so at ease, with someone else. Despite what he had told James, he found himself imagining a future with the other man on more than one occasion. They fit together in a way that he couldn’t even begin to explain.

Not that he tried.

After all, James had been noticeably more relaxed around him since their talk about what they meant to each other (which Kaidan thought was saying something given their previous record). It was quite obvious that James had needed that boundary to be set, and given his reaction, Kaidan guessed that a “friends with benefits” arrangement was really all James had wanted from him in the first place. And Kaidan was fine with that, he really was. He just wished he hadn’t botched up his chance to say he wanted more, that James _meant_ more to him than that.

Instead, he’d managed a half-assed explanation about living in the moment, and it had been enough to satisfy James. Kaidan hadn’t been expecting the question, and if he was being honest with himself, he’d been avoiding thinking about the matter in too much detail. While he _was_ living in the moment—because this war, the Reapers, it was all so big, so much, with so much at risk, more than his heart and his happiness could even hope to hold a candle to—that wasn’t the whole truth. James was kind and warm and funny, smart, caring, full of heart no matter how much he tried to put on a show of bravado. He was terrifying and inspiring in the field of battle, exactly the kind of soldier Kaidan wanted fighting at his side. Off duty, he always seemed to know just what his team members needed to decompress, willing to be the buddy or the butt of the joke or the shoulder to lean on as needed.

Kaidan had never wanted someone the way he wanted James. At his back, by his side, in his bed. In his _heart_.

He _would_ wait to realize he was in love with the guy until it was too late to tell him. That much at least seemed to be about par for the course the way his love life went, didn’t it?

Best to make the most of the time they had left. After all, every step forward they took might only be leading them into their last battle. Just because James didn't want more right now, that didn't mean he might not be open to it later, right? If they survived this war, then maybe…maybe he would tell James then. When he’d have the choice to walk away from Kaidan if he didn’t think he could ever feel the same. Until then, he swore he would make every night count.

When the call came in from Shepard that they’d tracked down Kai Leng, Kaidan and James reported to the _Normandy_ together. James looked as rested and restless as Kaidan felt, and that seemed right, somehow. Even if an assault on the Illusive Man’s base felt like the beginning of the end, there was work to be done. They had their duty, after all, and neither one of them was the type to forget that. Still, when Shepard announced that he and EDI would be the ones accompanying her on the raid, Kaidan’s eyes met James’ and he felt a rush of conflicting emotions.

Regret, that he wouldn’t get to fight this fight with James at his side. That he hadn’t told James how he really felt.

Relief, that no matter what, James would be surviving this one. That at least they’d had those nights on the Citadel.

Funny, how James tried to protest the team's composition almost as much as Joker did.

As Kaidan was heading out with Shepard and EDI, James pulled him aside and kissed him, hard. Right there in the middle of the shuttle bay. Kaidan could only stare at him in shock, until Shepard cleared her throat from behind them and tilted her head toward the shuttle.

“ _Vuelve a mí_ ,” James whispered.

And then he was giving Kaidan a gentle shove toward the shuttle, already making his way to the elevator without looking back.

~~

When the away team returned, James was waiting in the shuttle bay. He watched in silent relief as they emerged whole, if shaken. Even EDI seemed rattled, and he hadn’t even known that was possible. Shepard was pale, but already calling for Traynor to raise Hackett before she even reached the elevator. Kaidan glanced around the bay until his eyes landed on James, and the next thing James knew, his arms were full of Kaidan’s solid, warm mass. He hugged him tightly out of sheer instinct, Kaidan squeezing him fiercely in return.

“The Citadel is the catalyst,” Kaidan told him in a shaky breath, “and the Reapers know. That bastard told them.”

“Oh, fuck.”

James couldn’t think of anything else to say, really. Kaidan didn’t seem to need him to, though. He just stood there, holding on to James like he was a lifeline. From over his shoulder, James saw Esteban watching them, concern written clearly across his face. But no surprise. It seemed that his goodbye to the major before the mission had let the cat out of the bag. Not that he thought they’d ever really been fooling anyone. The ship wasn’t _that_ big. But whatever he and Kaidan were to each other, no one was bothering to pretend it was a secret anymore.

He and Kaidan stood in the middle of the bay holding each other, until Shepard called the crew in for a briefing. Kaidan came back to himself during the meeting, and James was glad to see it. When the meeting wrapped up, Shepard ordered them all to get what rest they could, and then the _Normandy_ was finally on its way back to Earth. James didn’t feel nearly as ready for that as he had thought he would.

He kept Kaidan company while he showered, letting him recount the details of the mission while he did so. Kaidan seemed to need to go over it all again, just in case anything they had encountered would be useful in the coming fight. James had heard most of what had happened over the comm, but he didn’t interrupt knowing Kaidan just needed to get it all out. It was cathartic, at least, if not really helpful. By the time he had finished his shower, Kaidan’s exhaustion and shock were beginning to take their toll. He and James curled up together in James’ bunk, trying to get what sleep they could, but mostly just taking comfort in holding each other.

 

~~

London.

James could only stare at the ruined city, so unlike what he had seen in vids his whole life. Was this what it had looked like in the days of the battle the _Normandy_ had been named for? He eyed the beam of light shooting up from the center of the city, visible for miles around, and doubted it. He went back to checking over his gear, shaking his head in disbelief. He had never imagined he’d find himself here, and certainly not in these circumstances. When he had been younger, his dreams of travel extended only to getting out of San Diego, away from his dad. Maybe he’d take his mom and _abuela_ with him, if he could manage it. But they had both been gone a long time now, and with their parting the dream had changed. Once he’d made up his mind to join the Alliance as soon he was old enough, his goal had been to see the stars.

Earth’s finer tourist destinations had never even entered into it.

Oh well, it wasn’t as if he would get a chance to see the sights. Getting to the Forward Operations Base had been an uphill fight, but they had made it, less intact than any of them had hoped, but still here. Now they had a brief break to prepare for the final push, to make sure they were as ready as they could be when they finally tried to stick it to those buggy bastards. Without realizing it, he began scanning the area for Kaidan, unconsciously seeking the other man out. His shoulders relaxed in relief when he spied him across the debris-spattered road, deep in discussion with another officer.

He could admit that it felt good, natural, to be back in the thick of it. One way or another, the end was in sight, and he was gonna do what he always did. Fight like hell to stop the Reapers or die trying. It was just that the last part of that concept was giving him a little trouble at the moment. It never had before. Probably because before he’d never really had anything to lose. But this time around, all James could think about was everything he hadn’t said. Kaidan glanced in his direction and caught his eyes, offering a smile. James smiled back and waved. Kaidan nodded in acknowledgment before turning his attention back to his conversation.

James went back to checking over his gear, keeping one eye on Kaidan, waiting for a chance to talk to him. A lot he hadn’t said, and maybe he couldn’t (or wouldn’t) say it all. But some of it, yeah, some of it should be said before they made that last push.

He was halfway through taking inventory of all the bits and pieces tucked in his various pouches and pockets (ammo, grenades, medi-gel, a few bandages just in case, pliers, a little bit of wire, some rope, and so on) when Lola stopped by to check on him. To say goodbye, he quickly realized. It was strangely reassuring to see how convinced she was that she wasn’t coming back from this. Not because he wanted her to die, or even thought she would, but because he _knew_ she was gonna give her all to get this done. And in his experience, what Lola gave her all to do, well, it got done, didn’t it?

Besides, she didn’t have to worry about watching her back. That’s what he and Kaidan (and okay, yeah, the rest of the crew) were for.

Not that he’d tell her that.

She’d probably just kick his ass, _again_.

No time for that really. Not now anyway. After, though. Yes, after, she could kick his ass as often as she wanted, just so long as they all managed to make it out of this. Somehow. He glanced over at Kaidan as she left, making her way to talk to him next.

_We’ve gotta try, at least._

The officer monopolizing Kaidan saluted and scurried off when Lola approached them. James had to laugh at that at little. He wasn’t close enough to hear what she and Kaidan said to each other, but he didn’t need to hear it. He knew them both well enough to guess the gist of the conversation. As soon as she looked like she was ready to move on, James was making his way across the road. He wanted to get to Kaidan before that officer came back.

“You know,” he heard Kaidan muse as he approached, “I’ve never been to London.”

“Me neither,” James said, coming to stand beside him, staring at the beam of light. “Not really what I would have expected, I gotta say.”

“James,” Kaidan said softly, turning to face him.

He was smiling, but his eyes were serious. James shifted his stance, bumping their shoulders together in what he hoped was reassurance.

“If Lola’s making the rounds to tell us all goodbye, I guess we’ll be ready to go soon, huh?”

“Looks like it.” He frowned slightly, staring ahead, but James didn’t think he was looking at anything. When he turned back to face James, he drew a deep breath. “Look, James, I…” he shook his head and gave a little laugh, “…I was talking to Shepard about regrets. I do have some, but I need you to know,” he met James’ eyes, “you’re not one of them. _We’re_ not one of them.”

“Yeah?” Despite the chill in the air, James felt himself growing warm. “Well, that’s good. I mean, I don’t either. Regret. I just.” He looked down, clearing his throat before looking back up. “I’m glad we’ve had this, Kaidan.”

“I hope we can still have it,” Kaidan said quietly. He looked around and shook his head, brow furrowing. “I know the odds aren’t good. I’m not, I’m not trying to kid myself here. And,” he reached out, one gloved hand lightly brushing down James’ armored arm, “I’m going to fight like hell to hold you again. But if the worst happens, if one of us falls, or,” he choked back a breath, “if both of us do, I want you to know that I love you. Whatever else there is, there’s that.”

James felt his eyes go very round, and despite his best efforts a silly grin slipped onto his face. It seemed he wasn't the only one who had been worrying over things that hadn't been said. Heedless of anyone else who might be around to see, he reached up to cup Kaidan’s cheek with one hand. Then he leaned forward, bringing their foreheads together, hand sliding to rest at the nape of Kaidan’s neck. He chuckled softly, the grin widening.

“Let yourself start thinking about the future, huh?”

“Well,” a wry note of amusement slipped into Kaidan’s voice. “I didn’t mean to. But yeah, I have been thinking about it, and I don’t really like the idea of you not being a part of it.” He drew in another deep breath, voice turning serious again. “I can’t lose you. Not now.”

“Ah, _mi amor_ , I promise I’ll do my best to make sure that doesn’t happen. I’d kind of rather my future had you in it as well.” James stared at the ground, simultaneously trying to pretend it was all of the dust in the air making his eyes water up and to hope Kaidan hadn’t noticed they were watering anyway. Something occurred to him and he laughed again, adding, “In case that wasn’t clear, I love you too, Kaidan.”

Kaidan laughed in response and tilted James’ chin up.

“I’ve at least got enough Spanish to know what _mi amor_ means,” he said, before leaning in to kiss James.

For a few moments, they let themselves get lost in each other, pretending they weren’t in the middle of London’s ruined mess, that battle wasn’t imminent. But when they finally broke apart, it was as if some unspoken agreement had occurred. They shared one last heated look and then were all business again.

“Come on,” Kaidan said, turning for the building that was serving as a command center. “We should go see if Shepard needs us yet.”

 

~~

Career soldier or not, their fight across London was something James hoped he never even came close to again for the rest of his life. Which, it seemed, might be a whole lot longer than he had expected as they waded through waves of Reaper forces. Against all reasonable measure of belief, he had survived. So had Kaidan. Hell, even Lola had survived somehow, though she wasn’t talking about what happened to her after she managed to get herself beamed up to the Citadel. James had seen the wreckage, not to mention the damage _she_ had taken. He wasn’t sure he blamed her.

The _Normandy_ had spent over a week stranded on the planet they’d crashed on after the Crucible fired. James didn’t want to think about how long it would have taken them to get the ship up and running again if Joker and Traynor hadn’t been able to get EDI back online. Then it had been a few more months of limping back to Earth (stopping at every habitable planet along the way to resupply, and wow, was he glad the relays were up and running again). They’d heard the news that Lola had survived long before they made it home, but she’d still been laid up in the hospital when they got back.

Every single member of the crew had reached the unspoken agreement to pretend they hadn’t seen her crying when they showed up in her room as soon as they were allowed to visit her. Liara hadn’t left her side since, as far as James could tell.

He could understand that impulse. Months on the ship with nothing to do but try to get home (well, that wasn’t entirely true, they’d helped out where they could with cleaning up the aftermath on a lot of the planets they stopped at) had left James and Kaidan with a chance to test their resolve to make a go of it. They weren’t sick of each other yet, and James was taking that as a good sign. Once they knew it was over, once they were on their way home, once they knew Lola was _alive_ , there hadn’t really been any need to try to keep their spirits up in their down time. Now that they had a future to look forward to, they could take the time to talk about their pasts, more than just a passing comment about family members who might or might not still be alive, or about things they’d seen in action.

He’d thought they were friends before, but this…well. This was something else entirely. Since joining up, he’d never really let himself be close to anyone, save Esteban, and that had happened entirely by accident. Of course, he supposed he could say the same of Kaidan. That had just meant to be a little harmless ogling, after all. But somehow he’d ended up finding something amazing. He couldn’t even begin to imagine a day going by without seeing or at least talking to Kaidan.

He would have to find a way though, and soon. A month since the _Normandy_ had returned to Earth, and already the crew was making plans to scatter. They were still in the same place for the moment, but their run together had just about come to an end. Hackett was requisitioning the ship—Joker, EDI, and Traynor were the only crew members who were going with him, as far as James had been able to find out (though he’d lay down good money that Adams, Daniels, and Donnelly were staying too).

Everyone else was being sent to help with cleanup efforts or to train new recruits. Garrus and Tali were going back to their own planets. James guessed Liara would go wherever Lola went, but he hadn’t heard anything official on that front. James himself was headed to N school sometime in the next two weeks, he was just waiting on the official word to come down. With the losses from the war, the brass wanted a full roster, so the administrators were waiting on the availability of a few of the newest candidates before getting going.

Even Kaidan was getting close to new orders. He was trying to figure out how to balance his duties to the Alliance with his work as a spectre, and had been in and out of conference with Hackett for the last two weeks. They finally seemed to have hammered out a plan, though. On the Alliance side of things, Kaidan was moving into a strictly training role. He was going to take charge of the Alliance’s entire biotics program. It was a huge opportunity, and likely to be accompanied by a promotion as well, more for his service in the war and for the respect due to the leader of such an important program than for the work itself, though no one had actually said as much out loud yet. But it was also mostly administrative (in theory, but James would be amazed if Kaidan wasn’t in the middle of everything once it got going) and would give him the flexibility to continue to serve as a spectre when the Council had need of him.

New beginnings were a good thing. James had always believed that with all his heart. He wasn’t about to stop believing now, just because this particular new beginning might bring about the end of something he wanted to keep. He had no intention of letting that happen. It had taken him too long to find Kaidan, and he wasn’t going to risk losing him now just because they both believed in duty. There was a way to have duty and love, he just had to figure out what it was.

The conundrum weighed heavily on his mind as he and Kaidan readied themselves for bed. Housing was in short supply these days, and they had been more than willing to double up and share a room in one of the dorms on the campus the Alliance had temporarily commandeered after the war. They even had a suite, owing to Kaidan’s rank and the fact that both of them had been on Lola’s crew. Really all that meant was that they had a semi-private bathroom (located between their room and another that they shared it with). It wasn’t quite their own place, but it was a hell of a lot better than the barracks. It had been a long day for both of them, and from breakfast until dinner they hadn’t even seen each other. So as they curled up in bed together (which took some doing, fitting both of their not-at-all-small frames in one twin bed), they traded stories about what they’d been up to.

“Hackett is ridiculously excited that I’ve agreed to take over the biotics program,” Kaidan said with a yawn, pulling James’ back tight up against his chest. “If I wasn’t so tired, I think I might be worried about that.”

“Has big plans for you?”

“I’m pretty sure he’s got big plans for _all_ of us. If the N program wasn’t so strictly planned out already, I bet he’d be pushing to have your time served count toward qualifying.”

“Too bad it can’t,” James snorted. “Though, I have to admit, it has crossed my mind that nothing the trainers throw at me can be anywhere near as bad as going up against a squad of banshees and brutes.”

“Unless they decide to incorporate recent battles into the training,” Kaidan observed.

James could practically _hear_ him arch his eyebrow. He feigned a shudder.

“ _Dios_ , I hope not. I really don’t wanna go up against that kind of enemy without you or Lola on my team, thank you very much.”

“Even if they try,” Kaidan said, pulling him tight for a hug, “I’m sure that the Alliance versions of banshees or brutes won’t be as bad as the real thing.”

“Hmph.” James rolled his eyes, relaxing against Kaidan before changing the subject. “So, you and Hackett are getting the biotics program all figured out, then, huh?”

“Just about,” Kaidan agreed. “There are a few more details we need to iron out, but it won’t be much longer now. Which is good, because the Council keeps hinting that as soon as they have a new base of operations, they’re going to want me to spend some time there, too.”

He went on in that vein for a bit. Anyone listening might think he regretted his decision to become a spectre, given how much it meant he had to deal with the Council. But James knew better. Kaidan might complain about them in private, but his problems with them were exactly _why_ he had taken the job. He was in a position to help the people they were too busy arguing to get to in time. James rolled over to face Kaidan, wanting to see him. It made fitting in the bed a little more awkward, but it was worth it in his opinion. Kaidan trailed off after a few minutes and reached up to brush James’ cheek, and they smiled at each other drowsily. James was just starting to fall asleep when a stray thought popped into his mind.

“Marry me.”

Kaidan’s eyes snapped open to stare at James, his jaw dropping open. He blinked a few times and scrubbed a hand through his hair. James grinned at him.

“I’m sorry, I must have fallen asleep and been dreaming. I thought you just said—”

“Marry me, Kaidan,” James repeated.

His heart was beating so hard he thought it might just jump right out of his throat and roll away. He really hadn’t meant to say that. Especially not out loud. But as soon as he had, he knew that he wanted it. Badly. So he took a deep breath and reached for Kaidan’s hand, gripping it tightly.

“I’m going into N training and you’re heading back to teaching. Do you really think anyone’s gonna put us on the same crew again? Even if you’re in the field, it will be spectre stuff, not Alliance ops. If we want to be together, Kaidan, then we have to _make_ it happen.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan swallowed, running his free hand through his hair again. “I get that.” His expression of shock softened into a smile and he squeezed James’ hand back. “Guess I just hadn’t gotten to that conclusion yet.”

James held on, too scared to let go, and watched him, waiting. Kaidan pushed himself up onto one elbow and tilted his head, giving James a thoughtful look.

“It won’t be easy,” he said softly. “We’ll both be putting in long hours, logging lots of travel. But,” he squeezed James’ hand again, “knowing we’ll always have each other to come back to? That will make a lot of the work easier to bear, I think.” He leaned down, kissing James lightly.

“So, is that a yes?” James breathed the question out, barley louder than a whisper.

“Yes,” Kaidan laughed. “It is very much a yes!”

“Oh good,” James breathed again.

He pulled Kaidan back down, hugging him tightly. Then he kissed him, deep and long, forgetting everything else in the galaxy, save the man in his arms. A lifetime with Kaidan? Yes, he thought that would definitely make all of the work to come easier to bear.

“So,” Kaidan asked when they pulled apart. “When?” His expression had turned thoughtful again. “I meet with the Council tomorrow and then Hackett has me booked in a few days’ worth of meetings to try to finalize the biotics program. But I think I should be done before you leave for training. We can sit down and start hashing out plans then, I suppose.”

“There’s gotta be a priest around here somewhere or some kind of official who can perform a marriage ceremony.” James grinned. “The whole crew’s still here right now. Why wait?”

“Because,” Kaidan said with a fond laugh, “I’d like to actually have a honeymoon.” He raised an eyebrow and James laughed in response. “Besides,” Kaidan added in a wry voice, “if I show up at my mother’s door with a husband when I haven’t even had a chance to tell her I’m dating anyone, there won’t be a safe place in the galaxy to hide from her.”

“Oh, that, yeah.” James blinked. He hadn’t even thought about their families. Understandable, maybe. There hadn’t been any word about _tio_ Emilio yet, and he was the only family James had, aside from the crew of the _Normandy_. But Kaidan…did have family, quite a big one, if he recalled correctly. Suddenly he found himself nervous for a whole new set of reasons. “What,” he tried teasing, “you don’t think she’ll understand the rush of post-war emotion?”

“Fat chance,” Kaidan snorted. “Mom’s not big on excuses.” He tilted his head, face turning serious. “You don’t know yet that your uncle didn’t make it,” he added softly. “I know you’ll want him there if he did. It will take time to find him.”

“Okay,” James agreed, nodding. “Of course, you’re right. I guess I just, I’m one of those people that once I make up my mind, I’m all in, you know?”

“I do.” Kaidan grinned and leaned in for another kiss. “But you’ve got me James, I said yes. I’m not changing my mind, I promise. We don’t have to rush this. Our lives are about to get crazy in a whole different way, after all. Let’s give ourselves a chance to settle in before we add a new layer.”

“All right.” He let out a sigh and burrowed against Kaidan. “So, like you said, when?”

“Well,” Kaidan drawled, “you get a bit of a break after you finish the first round of N training, right? A few months before you move on to the next level?”

“ _If_ I finish,” James snorted. Kaidan rolled his eyes and James laughed. “Okay, yeah, it seems unlikely I won’t at least make it through round one. Yeah, there’s a break after. You think then?”

It made sense, and it would give them a chance for a honeymoon. But that was a long time off still, and the first round of N training was intensive. He’d barely get any sleep the first few months, and never more than a day off at a time after that. He’d barely get to talk to Kaidan, let alone try to plan a wedding with him. Fortunately, Kaidan seemed to have thought of this.

“It gives everyone long enough to actually make plans to come back,” he pointed out, “as well as letting us try to track down our families and invite them.” He grinned and nudged James’ shoulder with his own. “I need to find a new location for the biotics program, too. Not just the Alliance teams, but all of the human biotic students. Cerberus still has cells out there and we know they have their sights set on the kids. Rio’s a pretty damn secure location, though. Hackett owes me a favor or two, I bet I can get him to agree to set up the new training facilities there. At least for the year or two it’s gonna take to establish somewhere solid again.”

Hope swelled up in James. If Kaidan could pull that off, well, it would make at least getting to _talk_ to him a much easier proposition. Come to think of it, Hackett owed _him_ a favor or two as well. Surely he could assign someone to look for Emilio while James was training. He was a former marine, after all. If he had survived, he could be a valuable asset in the rebuilding process. The more he thought about it, the more he thought Kaidan had the right idea. After all, time was something they had now, wasn’t it? It was a strange realization, but not an unpleasant one.

“Sounds good to me,” he said at last. He still held Kaidan’s hand, and now he lifted it up, placing a kiss on the back of it. “It will be nice knowing you’re close, even if we can’t talk every day.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan agreed. “It will.” He glanced down at their hands and smiled. “Well, I’d ask if you want to get engagement rings or something, but I guess you wouldn’t be able to wear one during training, huh?”

“Probably not,” James said. “But hey, we could always get matching tattoos,” he teased.

He expected Kaidan to laugh off the joke or to roll his eyes. Instead, his expression turned thoughtful again.

“Now, there’s an idea,” he mused.

This time, James was the one left staring in shock.

 

**End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Vuelve a mí.” = Come back to me.


End file.
